Relationships eh! … One of the most difficult 'ships'to sail in!
What is a relationship?
A relationship is a coming together of individuals. A relationship begins during an initial discovery meeting, where we meet someone for the first time. This is when we decide and form our opinions and design our relationship. We have now committed to the ongoing relationship. This is true whether it be in a platonic, romantic or business relationship. But, what is it about human relationships that can cause us so many problems?
In today’s crazy
paced lifestyle we have so many responsibilities, options, demands and
distractions that a work-life balance seems impossible. We are often
dissatisfied with some area of our lives and this may start to affect our
nearest and dearest. We often take out our troubles on our loved ones. This can
have a detrimental effect on our relationship with them. So much so that the
way she squeezes the toothpaste or the way he leaves the teaspoon on the
draining board become almost intolerable.
If we are to
achieve fulfilment in our lives and build on our relationships we must learn
about each other and more importantly about ourselves as individuals.
There are 8
primary areas of a relationship, these are:
How would you
rate these 8 areas of your relationship(s)?
relationship as a wheel with 8 spokes or segments, where zero is the centre of
the wheel and 10 is the outer ring.
If you were to
score each of these areas in your relationship(s) on a scale of 1 – 10 where 1
is pretty poor and 10 is perfection…how would you score?
Now, draw a line
in each segment at where you would score each segment of your relationship. How
smoothly would it roll if it were a wheel? Probably quite a bumpy ride?
So, what can you
do to improve each area of your relationship? Ignore what your partner can do,
concentrate on yourself initially. Go through the following questions about
these areas in your relationship and see how you fair out.
How well do you
communicate with your partner? Do you communicate everything to your partner?
Do you discuss everything or do you discuss things on a need to know basis? Are
you being fair to yourself and to your partner?
happen in your relationship if you were to communicate more often? What would
happen to your relationship if you don’t improve YOUR communication with your
How honest are
you in your relationship? Do you confide everything with your partner? Would
you like to confide more in your partner?
If you don’t,
why don’t you? What would happen if you did confide more about you to your
How do you score
on the intimacy side of the relationship?
By this I don’t
just mean the sexual side of your relationship. What I also mean by intimacy
is; familiarity, closeness, understanding, comfort and confidence. Is intimacy
something that you could be better at in terms of fulfilment for your partner
or is it primarily for your contentment?
How much do you
trust your partner? Would you trust them with your life, bank account etc?
are you with your partner? Maybe you don’t really believe that their project
will be successful. What could you do to make the project more successful for
your partner? Do you support the decisions your partner makes about their own
When was the
last time you brought some excitement or fun into your relationship? Not only
what you believe to be fun, but also what your partner believes is fun. What is
fun for both of you? Did you recently have a great day/night/weekend? What do
you need to do to put some more fun into your relationship?
are you both for the relationship? What things do you like that your partner
also likes? If there are things you used to do, why don’t you do them anymore?
These may have been things that brought you together in the first place.
What do you
contribute to your relationship? Is it time, money, security, respect, love,
support, guidance etc? What more could you contribute to help your
Ask yourself, what would happen, how different would your relationship be if you were to score at least an 8 or 9 (for yourself and not your partner) on the scale in each of these segments?
But, I hear you say; if my partner scored it first how would they score? If they were more open and honest it would make all the difference to our relationship and to me. We tend to blame each other or other things for the problems in our relationship. If he or she changed, my life would be much better.
We have to take control of our own feelings, we create our own unhappiness and happiness. We cannot control others motives, intentions or feelings. There is a saying…if I am happy the people around me are happy and conversely, if I am unhappy the people around me are unhappy too.
importantly, we cannot change others, we can change ourselves to the benefit of
ourselves and therefore to the benefit of others.
What are we to
do to make our relationship(s) work successfully?
relationships/partnerships have conditions, these conditions are very often set
by us and can cause many problems within our relationships, these conditions
must only love me
· You should see things my way
· You should be successful
· You should never show yourself up in front of others
· You should never be late for me
· You should always back me up
· You should not have your own friends
· You must never say no to me
· You should always share things with me
· You must never spend time away from me
· You must be there for me at all times
· You must never be in a bad mood with me
These are common
in most relationships and are controlling the way your relationships will
develop. These words ‘should’, ‘should not’, ‘must’; to quote a coaching
colleague of mine are ‘mustabating words’. This way of being, could cause damage
to any relationship.
So why do we do
it? Why do we create our own difficult relationships? How do we sabotage the
very relationships we are trying to make perfect?
We have to look
internally at how we are doing this to the relationship. If we don’t, we don’t
deserve a fulfilling relationship. You need to communicate your dissatisfaction's about your relationship to your partner, at the earliest
There are people
who look for help to rekindle their relationship or when things go wrong in a
relationship. There are also people who don’t look for help because of the fear
they have around the possible outcomes if they do seek help. These fears could
there is somebody else involved
· That secrets may be disclosed
· The fear of rejection
· That the feelings of love are gone
· That there is a stigma about seeking help
· That it’s a waste of time
What is the
worst thing that could happen if you were to seek help in your relationship?
The main purpose of seeking help is to provide an environment for each partner
to feel safe and comfortable about discussing their own needs within the
relationship, needs which they have may have been unable to fulfil themselves.
When people do
not seek assistance in their relationships, unfortunately they may continue to
despair and eventually begin to live in separate worlds.
What are your
needs in a relationship?
need for respect and security
· The need for emotional support
· The need to be valued
· The need to offer respect, care and support to your partner
· The need for gratification
· The need to share responsibilities
· The need to be listened to
· The need for the differences to be valued and respected
· The need for communication
· The need for social events
· The need for financial equality
· The need for personal progression
· The need for independence
· The need to provide the above to your partner
If all of these
needs are met by both partners, without one or the other partner suffering as a
result, you will have a blissful and successful relationship and partnership.
relationship is where you will both benefit from the relationship. Both
partners also need space to develop as individuals within the relationship. In
order for us to develop the relationship and ourselves we have to:
personal relationship with ourselves
· Engage and interact with each other
· Demonstrate unconditional love for each other
· Live in the moment not the past
· Express our feelings
· Respond to the feelings of your partner
· Communicate openly with each other
· Take responsibility for our own behaviour
· Provide support
· Take actions that will build our partners self worth and self-esteem.
One of the most
important parts of any relationship is curiosity. Curiosity is how we find out
about each other, what we each like and dislike. If we know this about each
other and we don’t infringe on each other’s likes or dislikes our relationship
will run smoothly.
can be custom made for both parties, it can become a powerful relationship that
fits both of your careers and personal development.
relationship coaching about? Relationship coaching can be both challenging and
rewarding. The challenge is to make the relationship work and the reward is
when it begins to work again, the way you want it to be.
One of the
common misunderstandings about coaching is that it is just about getting things
done. Coaching is not only about action, it is about learning also. In
relationship coaching we do both, we learn about each other and ourselves and
then we take action.
The key to the
success of relationship coaching is the ability of the individual to allow the
other to grow and evolve.
If you have any
queries in relation to any areas of your Life or Career coaching, please contact me
Greg Dalton, Career
& Life Coaching
Tel: 00 353 87 462 6333
Take care of
yourself and your loved ones - Stay Safe & Stay Well